These Must Have Been the Looks...

I should probably just get over it, because truthfully it could be the case, but dang it, it just really offends me! You might be wondering what I'm talking about, well, it happened again. DrillSgt. and I took Da'Gorgeouses out for lunch yesterday (and yes, we were on the other side of town again--the same side it happened the first time) and our cute, really young waitress asked as we were leaving, "Are they your granddaughters?" I must have had one, if not BOTH of the following looks on my face!




Of course I just managed to stammer out, "No, we just started late. I'll be 39 in a few days." If she only knew what I'd been through to even get them. I really have to come up with something clever to say, any suggestions?

Another Milestone?!

We may have found a part-time daycare for next year! Hooray!! Da'Gorgeouses loved it and even CRIED because we were leaving---I have no idea why they're so social?! Grammy & I met with the director this morning and then had a small tour of the facilities. She was very thorough and gave me the breakdown, days, times, prices, curriculum, nap & even bible studies time. Sounds heavenly & a place Da'Gorgeouses would benefit from. They'd spend the rest of my full-time work schedule with Grammy & Welo if/when he retires. They really do need some type of social interaction with other kids their age, the whole learning to share, take turns and interact with others besides just themselves and all of the adults in their environment. Okay, excuse me while I go cry now!

What I Love About You RIGHT Now...

I love...

the way you come running up to me for hugs after I walk in the door from work.

how you (LongRifle) tell me you need some "chongitos" (ponytails) as you pull the hair away from your eyes.

how you (Pistol) replace the word "thing" that I use when mommy brain has struck again with the correct word like "bib"---LOL!!

how no matter if you've just been fighting over something or screaming at each other, you protect one another.

how you share things like food and even go so far as to feed each other---it's too cute!

how you (Pistol) will wake up crying out "I LOVE YOU mamá, gimme a big hug!"

how you (LongRifle) never fail to ask "Where's papá, is he alseep, is he at work" through those slightly opened eyes when I wake you up to change you.

how you love to run and jump and play and climb, and how you get ever so excited when we head to the park.

how well behaved you are around others, you're polite, say "please" and "thank-you", smile and giggle and even engage others in conversation, sometimes it's just like talking to a mini-adult!

this stage you're in right now, where you tell Grammy, "No I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl, Grammy!" and turn right around and tell mamá, "No mamá, I'm not a big girl, I'm a baby, and I'm a princess!" (That's right! And no matter how old you are, you'll always be my babies AND my princesses!---right Grammy?!)

Giving Thanks...

Giving Thanks for...

1) Da'Gorgeouses those two beautiful little girls growing right before my very eyes. I love you with all my heart and can no longer remember what life was like before you arrived. Thank you for all that you do each and every day, you never cease to amaze me. I'm so very proud of the smart, caring, happy little girls you're growing up to be.

2) DrillSgt. my best friend, love you ALWAYS. Thank you for being a loving husband and a wonderful father. Even all these years later, just thinking of you makes me sigh and get all dreamy---LOL!!

3) An absolutely wonderful set of parents. For Grammy who gets up early 2 days a week to watch Da'Gorgeouses at my house while I head out to work, and puts up with reading them the same requested books over and over---LOL!! And lets not forget Welo who always manages to make Da'Gorgeouses laugh and giggle (just like my sis and I did when we were growing up) every time he's around them. Thank you both so much for all that you do for me and my little family.

4) My sister (Tia NaNa). Thank you for being there when I need you...to share a laugh with, or when I need someone to vent to, or for just those moments when I'm jonesing to relive the past a little. No one knows my secrets better than my sister (come to think of it, thanks for keeping them secrets!).

5) My bil (NoMike). Thank you for being such a kind and giving person and for being "the one" that completes my sister. You're daily job isn't easy and still you manage to leave all that at the door and be a great husband to my sister.

6) A super extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, all the people that remind us how loved and supported we are.

7) A job I really like. It's been difficult getting back into the groove of things but having nice people to work with and talk to and (for the most part) fun and hard-working students has made things a little easier. It's also a blessing that my schedule affords me precious time to continue enjoying myself with Da'Gorgeouses.

8) faith, health and understanding (this last one sometimes eludes me, but all in good time). Funny, these were always the 3 things my TxG always told me to pray for!

I'm Thankful For My Inheritance...

I always post about my wonderful immediate family, my mom & dad (Grammy & Welo), and my sis Tia NaNa & her dh NoMike. Growing up it was always just my sister and I (6 years apart in age). Although there is such difference in age between us, we're still very close. Because we were just two, I must admit that marrying, well, not just marrying but being introduced into DrillSgt's family was a very overwhelming experience. As I've said before, DrillSgt. is the third oldest of TEN children. My formal introduction into their family was at my (birth order #5) bil's wedding to his beautiful wife.

Let me tell you, there's nothing like a joyous occasion to be introduced formally to "the family". When I met them DrillSgt's youngest brother and sister were 11-teen and ten (yes, my youngest bil told me he was 11-teen). I remember feeling quite overwhelmed at family gatherings. There were always so many different conversations going on, often times right over your head, and the youngest two would stand in the middle of the room speaking loudly, just hoping that someone would pay attention to them. I remember sitting back, just watching it all happen around me, wondering how in the world they all did it, and feeling totally out of my element. I mean growing up we had extended family gatherings, but those usually involved separate groups of adults, kids playing outside; or if we were all together in one area, there was singing and guitars and other instruments being played (my uncles and aunt had a family band called "Los Santos").

So much time has passed since then, DrillSgt and I are coming up on 13 years of being married, so it's been 14 years since that first overwhelming experience. Through those years, I've been fortunate enough to get to know my inherited siblings very well (I say inherited because when we married, we married INTO each others family---it's a package deal). I've watched them grow, and change, and we've all been there and supported each other through both joyous and difficult times. The 11-teen and ten year old are now in their early 20's (getting ready to formally bring in a couple of newbies themselves). After all these years I've even learned to navigate and take part in all those conversations that still occur all at once, and now it's my little ones standing in the middle of the room yelling for attention. I have also have an AMAZINGLY nice mil, and am ever so glad not to have any of those mil horror stories to share. I'll have to admit, one of the best parts is that I've also truly been blessed with 3 super great SIL's (who married in like me), 2 BIL's one who's been a tour guide from the get go (he was there LONG before any of the rest of us), and a newbie we're all just getting to know (welcome!!), and before I forget...quite a few GORGEOUS/HANDSOME/SUPER SMART nieces and nephews!

Here's a few pics...hoping to catch the others on Thanksgiving (be ready every one!).

Go on, go take a look...

Seriously, if you haven't visited this site Days with My Father, you must go see it. Donna posted the link on her blog today, and it had me crying while Da'Gorgeouses were napping (of course, it didn't help that he reminds me of my Welo---and for some reason almost everything had me on the verge of tears today). Beautiful, moving, inspiring...makes me want to capture and truly savor every single moment I have with ALL of my loved ones. (It took me awhile but you just have to click on the hand to navigate through the pictures). Go on, go take a look...

When I Grow Up...

When I was in first grade I was fortunate enough to be chosen as student of the month. Being chosen as student of the month meant that someone came to interview you and write up a short article for some reason or another (maybe a school newsletter---I really don't remember). What I do remember is that they asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up and I had the perfect answer, "I want to be a pediatrician!" I remember them laughing and asking, "Do you know what a pediatrician is?" "Sure" I said, "that's a baby doctor." Yes, I was a total nerd and knew big words like that back then (thanks Mom & Dad for reading to me and encouraging me to read when I was little), of course now that I've got Mommy brain I'm lucky if I remember "drinking fountain".

When I grew up, decided I didn't want to go to school that long to become a "baby doctor", and it was no where near on my list of the things I thought I wanted to do. I went through a variety of lists of what I wanted to become until I finally decided on teaching. Of course, once I started teaching I realized that I wanted to be the best teacher I could be, I LOVED teaching. And where exactly am I going with this? Well today I told Da'Gorgeouses that exact story except only the next part is the real reason why I remembered that student of the month interview. I looked at them and told them "now that I'm your mom, well, I have a better answer for what I want to be when I grow up, I just want to be the BEST mom I possibly can for you two, I LOVE being your mom!" Most days I'm sure I fall short, but you can bet your bottom dollar I try my best every day!

Pay It Forward...

It went very well the whole guest speaking thing for the RMH. I'd written something all out, made plans with DrillSgt. to have him say it, we got there found out we only had about 2 minutes, and so he just spoke. Turned out pretty well too! I stood there, tears in my eyes, because reliving that story gets to me...it always does, and because here was a chance to help out an organization that we will forever feel indebted to. There were some gasps from the crowd when they viewed the slideshow and when they heard that we stayed there for almost 15 weeks. Anyway, here's the written speech, kind of long and wordy and WAY over the allotted 2-3 minutes we were given---LOL!! (Of course names have been changed to protect the innocent!)
________________________________________________________________


Hi, my name is (DrillSgt.) and this is my wife (MamaChanga). We are here to tell you a little bit about our experience at the Ronald McDonald house.

Prior to the birth of our twin daughters (Pistol) and (LongRifle), we knew very little of the wonderful place called the Ronald McDonald House. We had heard it was a charity of some sort that you could donate to, that it helped the families of children that were hospitalized somehow, but we had no idea it was an actual PLACE! Well, all that all changed on Monday, May 8, 2006

After trying to conceive for 8 ½ years without success we were at last anticipating the arrival of our twin blessings. It had been a fairly uneventful pregnancy, smooth sailing, no morning sickness, no complaints, and we’d just found out that more than likely we were having twin girls at our doctor’s appointment that Thursday. According to the doctor, everything was looking fine. (MamaChanga) had complained of feeling extra tired but the doctor assured us that she was measuring the same as a woman at the end of her 7^th month, and had good reason to feel tired! Friday evening she was downright exhausted, but it had been a long workweek, so that too was easy to explain away. On Saturday she began to complain of discomfort and was beginning to think that maybe she was just getting sick, and by early Sunday morning we finally decided to call the doctor’s office. She explained her symptoms to our doctor who just happened to be on call and he suggested we go in to (our local hospital) just to get checked out. He calmly explained that it was probably nothing and she would more than likely be home that same day, but that it would be better to check it out and have a peace of mind. Good thing we went in, because when we got there and they started monitoring, they informed us that she was having contractions every 5 minutes. Our usual cheerful and smiley-faced doctor had a seriously pained look on his face after he checked her, more bad news, she was already dilated to 4 centimeters. He explained that they’d try to stop the contractions, but more than likely we’d be having our girls sometime soon. 23 weeks and 4 days along, just 2 days shy of the beginning of 6^th month…it was way too soon…

The medications given to my wife enabled them to hold off the labor for another 24 hours (every hour counts when babies are coming that early) and it was enough time for her to receive the much needed steroid injections and surfactant to help develop their lungs somewhat. On Monday May 8^th at exactly 9:54 and 9:55 am (Pistol) and (LongRifle) were born (we had decided on names at 4 am that very morning). They weighed 1.4 and 1.5 lbs respectively, and measured only 10.5 and 12 inches in length. Being only one cell thick, their skin was transparent, and their eyes were still fused shut (Vision is the last sense to develop. In utero, eyelids remain closed until about the 26th week). The two teams from Valley Children’s NICU were there to make all necessary preparations for their transfer to Children’s Hospital in Madera. It took a few hours, but they made sure to bring them the hospital room so we could see them before heading out. She was able to reach in and hold their little hands, and was given a picture of both (goodness how we treasured those pictures!). We were also given a code to call in order to receive information about how they were doing. They told us the first 72 hours would be critical…

We decided right there and then that I would follow the girls, (MamaChanga) still had to recover, but made plans to do whatever she needed to in order to be discharged as soon as possible. So my mother in law and I made the drive to Madera and it was there that the hospital social worker assigned to our case told me about the RMHouse. We would be placed on a waiting list and as soon as an opening came up we would have a room to stay in for $10 dollars a night. This place that was literally steps away, a short walk to visit our girls any time of the day or night that we wanted to. This place that would literally become our HOME for the next 14 (almost 15) weeks.

On May 10^th my wife was discharged from the hospital, and although the doctor told her she should go straight home and rest, he also said he knew she’d go straight to Valley Children’s and visit our girls. Little did he know that not only would we go straight there, but that she would only come home 3 times during their almost 15 week stay. We spent the first couple of nights at my sister in laws who lived a little over 30 minutes away, it was closer than the 1 ½ drive from our home, but it was still not close enough to the girls. Although they had made it beyond the 72 hour critical point they were still very sick tiny babies.

On May 12^th we received the call that there was a room available at the RMHouse. We gathered what few belongings we’d brought with us and checked in. N. was the first person we met, and her warm and wonderfully caring personality really shone through as she explained the “house rules” and how things operated. During our almost 15 week stay we would get to know N., J. and E. very well. They always had a smile to share, a listening ear, and encouragement to give. They shared our concerns, as well as our joy and celebrations!

It was as perfect as any “home away from home” could be. It provided us with a place to sleep and take care of daily needs, but it was also so much more than that. We were so close by that we made it a routine to visit our girls every morning, afternoon and night. We could stay as long as we wanted by their bedside, reading, talking to them, or just sitting quietly watching them grow. We were able to witness the first time they each opened their eyes, (Pistol’s) first frog push up, as well as a few scary events thrown in (like when she decided to pull out her tubing). If we called at night to check in on our girls and the nurses informed us they were having a rough night, it was easy to get dressed, walk over and sit by their bedside. Staying at the RMHouse provided us with a sense of normalcy. Our situation was very far from normal (as we were watching our babies finish growing right before our very eyes), but we had a place to sleep, a place to shower, meals provided by caring volunteers or a place to cook, and somewhere where our families and friends could stop by and offer their encouragement and support. It was also LongRilfe’s first home. Although she had struggled the most, she beat her sister out of there by 5 days. We brought her home to the RMHouse and waited for Pistol to “catch up”.

During our long stay, we also made some new friendships, other parents of children that were there. One couple in particular from a neighboring town in our area also had a premature infant, born the day after our girls. She was a few weeks farther along, so their stay was slightly shorter, however during the time we were there we became good friends. To this day we still keep in touch with that couple and their beautiful little girl.

So on behalf of my wife and I and our GORGEOUS little girls we would like to thank the RMHouse, its amazing staff, the volunteers, and benefactors for all that you do. You provide a home away from home, as well as support, encouragement, and comfort to all those families just like ours during such a challenging and emotional period in their lives.

Thank you and God bless you!

WARNING!

Okay, so fair warning this is going to be a proud mama brag post. I'm still working off of DrillSgt's. laptop so please bear with me. (Boy do I miss my desktop).

Anyway, we took Da'Gorgeouses to the HRIC to be evaluated. All premature babies, or babies born with difficulties are eligible for this evaluation. They bring in a team of specialists (well, specialists in working with preemies and high risk infants). We were evaluated by a nurse (she measured head circumference, weight, height, and pulse) her name was Kimberly and they really took a liking to her. I think it helped that she took them to see the fish tank and brought them some crayons to keep them entertained. Next the social worker Margie came in. We saw her last year too. She asked questions regarding our family unit and whether we had any questions or concerns regarding their development, growth or health. She asked if DrillSgt. and I made sure to take time for ourselves and as a couple, stating too often parents of premature infants or children with special needs can sometimes find themselves consumed by taking care of and only focusing on their children and sometimes neglecting their own needs and the needs of continuing to focus and pay attention to their relationship as a couple. We told her that we had learned that lesson, and DrillSgt. told her that usually I'm the one that let's him know we're going out on a date. She just laughed and asked if that was because I needed it more. He laughed and said, "No, it's because it's her parents that take care of the girls and so she's the one that asks them!"

After Margie left Kathy came in. Kathy was the nurse that took care of Da'Gorgeouses a lot towards the very end. Mostly I think they ended up in the same room with her, she wasn't assigned to them. However, she has a wonderful personality and we really made a connection with her. Anyway, she had been in and out of the room during Kim's assessment and kind of listened in on what the girls were saying. She was quite surprised at how much they were talking and the things they were saying, she even said, "Okay, I guess I don't have to assess them, they're doing fine." I just laughed and she said, "Seriously, I don't even know how to assess them!" When she finally came in she asked them a bunch of questions, asked them to do specific things, they could do most of them---they couldn't draw a stick figure person, or build a bridge. After she was finished assessing them, she said, "Wow, seriously they're really smart! I have a nephew who's 3, he was born full term and doesn't speak as clearly as they do. They're even using complete sentences, changing and using the terms I, you, and me correctly. They know the sounds the letters make, even out of sequence. They can count to twenty (and actually if you give them the next number like 30 they follow the pattern up to 39, then you have to give them 40 and they'll continue--she was super shocked when we told her that!). They've got to be the smartest kids I've ever assessed!" Okay, that totally made me smile from the inside out. Even now when I think about it, it just lifts me up, and I feel like I'm walking on air---lol! It's just made it all worthwhile and reinforced the decision we've made as a family for me to stay home these last 2 years. So when all was said and done, Kathy told us that they were scoring at the 3 year old level and above (particularly in the verbal area), and that they were scoring at the 3 year old level in physical abilities also. That was good news for us, because we have been concerned with their gross motor skills, but they've really improved in that area since DrillSgt. has been taking them out to the playground and we've been working on coloring, drawing, using scissors, glue, etc (fine motor skills) at home. So HOORAY!!

Last, but not least, Camela came in. Camela was the main nurse in charge on Pistol's NICU transport team the day Da'Gorgeouses were born. She really kept an eye on both girls during their stay, although after transport she never worked one on one with them again (which was a good thing because they put nurses with her expertise with the babies that are really struggling). Since then she's become a Nurse Practitioner and does the final stage of the assessment then makes the decision on what's to happen now. Well, she came in, listened to their heart, lungs, bowels, checked ears, eyes, etc., reviewed all of the results from the others and said, "They're doing wonderful, this is what we're always happy to see, a textbook example. They've done extremely well these 23 weekers, so we're releasing them from the program, this is the last time we'll be seeing them! We hope you'll continue to stay in touch and inform us of their development, and that you'll continue to attend the Preemie Picnic (which btw, is next Saturday). "

What a relief, what a miracle, what a blessing we've had. Writing all of this down and reliving all the emotions from the very start...well, it has me crying all over again. Crying tears of joy that is. How fortunate and blessed I am to have 2 such beautiful, happy, and amazing little girls that really came into this world nothing but a small flicker of a flame, so delicate and fragile. Things could have turned out much differently of this I am truly aware, but by God's good grace, He blessed us with two flames that now shine brightly!

Off To See Some Old Friends...

Da'Gorgeouses last check up at the HRIC (High Risk Infant Clinic) is this Friday. I don't know why, but going to these things always makes me nervous. I mean, I know they'll do well, but it seriously makes me worry. Maybe it's just dredging up all those old feelings about being back on the hospital grounds, kind of like Pavlov's dog and the bell and the drool, kwim? Going there, or even thinking about going there and having the girls looked at brings back all those feelings of extreme stress left over from the almost 15 weeks we spent there after their birth. The good news is the Preemie Picnic is the following weekend, and the Apple Festival is right after that, both of those are good things to look forward to. Maybe we'll take Da'Gorgeouses for a visit to the NICU, although they might not let them in, but it would be nice to see some of their former nurses and RT's (respiratory therapists). I think those people get a kick out of seeing their former preemie patients just as much as I get a kick out of seeing my former students (well, most of them).

We still keep in touch with Nurse Carrie, and she's attended both of their birthday parties. It helps that she lives in the same town DrillSgt. grew up in, especially since we held their party at the pizza pub there. I'd like to see Tristan (he was the RT that really worked his magic on our girls..more than once I might add). And Jo, she was another RT, a real sweetheart. Some of the nurses were gone when we went to visit last year, they'd moved on to greener pastures. That's the one thing about nursing, no matter where you go you're sure to be in high demand. I'd really love to see their neonatologist, Dr. Denson, but she moved to San Diego shortly after Da'Gorgeouses left. Funny how people come into and out of your life, yet they leave indelible prints on your heart.

Strengthening the Bonds

I don't know if it's because I'm not feeling well, or because the strain of the last few weeks have finally caught up to me, or maybe it's just because I'm tired; whatever the reason, I found myself yesterday as I picked up Da'Gorgeouses out of their crib missing the fact that I don't get to do that EVERY morning anymore. I miss hearing them giggle and talk to each other before I go in, I miss their excitement and joy in beginning a new day, their smiles and morning silliness. I will admit though, that while I'm at work I really don't have time to think about how much I really miss them (well, all except for this last Wednesday when Irene, our secretary, told me the story about her grandson's first day at daycare and left me an emotional wreck---AND that's that MY MOM/GRAMMY is taking care of them!). Even when I come home they are either finishing up lunch and getting ready for their nap, or already napping. Regardless, this means less time spent with Mamá before I have to leave to teach night class, which runs from 6-9 and brings me home AFTER they've already been tucked in to bed. We do however, make sure that we sit to have dinner as a family before I leave to work.

On the bright side, this means more Papá time, more bonding with sweet Daddy. Papá takes over when I leave, he's left to care for the screaming Gorgeous yelling, "NO Mamá, come back, you NO go to work!" He does things differently than I do, and that's okay. We all have to learn to fit into our new, and ever-changing role as parent of Da'Gorgeouses. And Da'Gorgeouses must learn too, they have to learn to adapt to the difference in personalities and routines, they have to do it now, or else be faced with learning it later in life (a lesson I've seen a few students of mine struggle with over the years). So Papá becomes Da'Gorgeouses strength, their caregiver, their playmate and even the kisser of owies. I don't worry because I know I've left them in strong, capable and loving hands. I know this because they are the same hands that love, and provide, and give me comfort every day.

Strengthening the Bonds

Maybe because I'm not feeling so well, or maybe because after a few stressful weeks the tiredness has set in, whatever it is, yesterday when I went in to pick up Da'Gorgeouses I was hit with a feeling of how much I miss them when I go to work. How much I miss our morning wake-ups, changing and getting ready for breakfast. How I miss their laughter and silliness with me, with each other. I mean while I'm at work I'm really too busy to think about how much I miss them (except for this past Wed. when Irene the secretary made me cry by telling me the story of her grandson's first day at daycare). When I get home however, it's a totally different story. They are either finishing up lunch and ready to go down for their nap, or they are already taking a nap, which means very little time with Mamá before I have to go back to work at night.

On the bright side, they are strengthening their bonds with Papá and with each other, and we do make sure to have dinner together before I leave. He takes over when I'm gone, and he does things differently. That's okay, each of us has to find ourselves in our new, and ever-changing role as parent of Da'Gorgeouses. Da'Gorgeouses after all, must learn to adapt and function in the presence of different personalities, real life would be much too harsh if we didn't teach them how to adapt. I walk out the door and Papá becomes their strength and protector, their playmate, and even the kisser of owies. No matter what, I am at ease because I know they are in strong, capable, loving hands, the same ones that love and protect me.

The Sweetest Sound

Is there anything more beautiful than the sound of giggling coming from the room of your sleeping child? I can hear her now, she must be dreaming, dreaming the dreams that little ones dream of running, and playing and jumping, of all the happy things that make her giggle. It's a loud, long giggle, like the ones she makes when she's awake with a high pitched squeal of glee at the end. Those giggles that capture my heart, make me smile a mile wide and make me count my blessings. I really want to go in and watch her, but I fight the urge, I don't want to wake her up. I love to watch them sleeping and sometimes sneak in late at night, quietly standing watch over them, saying my prayers of thanks for these two miracles sleeping in cribs across from one another. They sleep so peacefully, relaxed, arms and legs extended, heads hanging off of pillows, blankets and stuffed animals scattered about. Keep dreaming my darlings, keep thinking those happy thoughts, keep smiling and giggling...I LOVE YOU!!

There is an Appointed Time for Everything...

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Da'Gorgeouses "official" due date. Two years ago to the date is when they "should have" been born by our timeline of course not His. My doc did tell me that with twins anytime after 36 weeks would have been okay, and of course that would have been WAY better than the 23 weeks 5 days that they were born at. So I spent some time looking through some pictures of those first weeks after they were released home from the NICU. After spending all that time with them in the hospital and just noticing how tiny they were and how much they'd grown since being born. Funny how I thought they were HUGE when they came home. Of course, you might not think so...

This of course reminds me of one of my favorite passages from the Bible, I remember copying it, posting it in my room and carrying a copy with me, it sure helped me get through those difficult adolescent years. Susan posted it last Sunday under her Seasons post.

Naive

I'm sure by now those of you that have followed us for awhile can tell that I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I love hugging them and kissing them, I love listening to them talk and watching them learn. Sure I also have my trying moments, but I realize even during those times how very blessed I am.


We tried for several years (8+), with never a positive, before being blessed with Da'Gorgeouses. I never gave up hope and had faith that I'd be a mom someday. My mantra was, "One way or another I will be a mother!" I can honestly say that it was a struggle, a journey full of heartache, but all those feelings of failure, those few moments I'd spent falling into the abyss...they were completely erased once I knew I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, elated, overjoyed. I loved every single minute of being pregnant. The fear of it being snatched from me, at any given moment however, never went away. I prayed every night the Our Father, x number of Hail Mary's, the St. Gerard Prayer for a Safe Delivery, and every night in my prayers I spoke to both of my grandfathers asked them to watch over my babies and myself during my pregnancy. I told no one except my closest relatives that I was pregnant, and it wasn't until I had reached 13 weeks, when I was no longer able to hide my rapidly expanding twin belly, that I shared with anyone else. Even my extended family had no clue I was even pregnant, at least not until after Da'Gorgeouses arrived unexpectedly.


I'm not a pessimist, as a matter-of-fact, those who know me well, know me as one who generally looks on the bright side, my glass is always half-full. Every day that I wake up and breathe is a day to be thankful for. So when Da'Gorgeouses were born weighing only 1.4 & 1.5 lbs., 16 weeks early, tiny, fragile angels given to me by God, I supposed I should have been scared silly. Yes, I worried. Yes, I cried. But somehow, not for one moment, did I ever believe things would turn out differently than they did. My mom is an RN, so she knew the scoop. My dad, well, having been to Viet-Nam, he's seen enough in his lifetime to know things don't always turn out the way we'd like them to. They spent many a day in the NICU lobby crying their eyes out. I can understand it now, I see all that they had to worry about, they didn't just cry for their only grandchildren, they cried for what their daughter was going through. They had wisdom and experience as their guide. But they raised me differently, sheltered from all the horrible things that can happen in this world. They taught me to see all that is good, and no matter what the situation to turn a negative into a positive. They taught me to smile wide because every day we are alive our life is a celebration, and above all they taught me that there is always faith and hope and love.


When the neonatologist told us within those first 3 weeks that the scans showed LongRifle having a grade/level 4 IVH (brain bleed) in her right hemisphere, and told us all of the complications that could occur, and the percentage of likelihood that said complications would occur, both DrillSgt. and I cried. But you want to know what my first words were to her once I could compose myself enough to speak? "That's okay, we'll be okay. You see, both dh and I are teachers, so if we have to work extra hard and extra long to get help her then that's what we'll do! We'll use flash cards, we will do whatever it takes, and no matter what happens she's our daughter and we will give her nothing but our best!" So, call me naive, call me a dreamer, call me an optimist...that's okay, because I now have 2 wonderful daughters that call me MOM!

Just What We Needed

I was re-reading the online diary I used to keep during the years we were trying to conceive and I came across this entry I wrote on March 15th, 2004. I thought it was funny that I was not only thinking about twins, but about the smallest preemie baby born earlier that year weighing only 12 oz. How strange that two years later I was to give birth to my own twins weighing just over 12 ounces themselves.

I've been thinking about twins lately. My cousin just had twin girls & I still haven't seen them. She delivered them C-section & they were only 2-3 weeks early, they were both fine. Anyway their birth reminded me of the littlest preemie born in TX--- the 12oz Kylie--well I looked & haven't found any updates since her birth. I'm interested in finding out how she & her sister are doing. I think the Rescuing Hug info that was posted on our board was really interesting. You'd think since twins share the same space while developing they would do much better when placed together after being born. My sis & I are 6 yrs apart, nowhere near being twins, but it was always comforting to have her crawl into my bed when she was scared or just couldn't fall asleep. There's nothing like the connection shared with a sibling. Since I was so much older I always felt like she was kind of mine to take care of anyways. Funny how we don't seem to grow out of feelings like those.

DrillSgt. and I went out on a date last night, we hadn't been out alone for a few weeks. It was nice to spend time with him, watch a movie (Mummy 3---I'll have to say if you haven't already watched it, wait until you can rent it), and have dinner. I could tell it'd been awhile, we were both a little tense but did our best to move beyond that. That always seems to happen to us when we go a few weeks without alone time, it's as if we forget how to interact with each other without the Da'Gorgeouses. Who would've thought that could ever happen to us, after all, we did spend the first 10 years of our marriage as a childless couple, even strangers would ask us if we were newlyweds, goodness how things can change so fast! It's so nice to actually sit across from the person you married and admire their features (damn, he looks good), something that doesn't happen when you're each in charge of making sure Da'Gorgeouses are doing okay during mealtime.

When we returned a few hours later to pick up Da'Gorgeouses @ Grammy & Welo's, they proceeded to recount some of the highlights from tonight. Seems that Pistol told Grammy, "leave me alone!" and LongRifle ripped up a book because Welo was focusing on reading Pistol a different book. They both laughed and said they were shocked and surprised by their behaviors. Welo said, "I just don't expect them to do and say things like that, they really surprise me!" LOL!! On a more positive note, Pistol actually ASKED for me to rock her to sleep and LongRifle actually ASKED for DrillSgt. to rock her to sleep---way different that our usual night-time routine, but something both DrillSgt. and I both needed from our girls.

Welcome Back...

So LongRifle woke up feeling much better today, well...at least she was no longer running a temp. She was however, still whiny and slightly crabby, but at least I didn't have to worry about her being super sick---now if I could only get her to eat a little more. Both of Da'Gorgeouses are feeling and responding to the new schedule we're on around here. I think that may be why we've been getting those other behaviors. In time they will adjust, for now we must be patient and understanding and give hugs, lots of hugs.

DrillSgt. said things went pretty well tonight, I had to attend a staff meeting from 4 to 9 pm, so by the time he came home, I headed out the door, and by the time I returned my precious babies were all snuggled and asleep in their cribs. I had figured they would be, but it doesn't mean I didn't miss holding them and rocking them for a little while, and doesn't mean I didn't miss having dinner with my family. In time I will adjust, for now I must be patient and understanding, and I'll need hugs, lots and lots of hugs.

On the bright side, going back to work was a good thing, I love teaching. I was smiling and humming and I didn't even notice until one of my colleagues pointed it out. She turned to me and said, "Boy, you're a bright and cheery person, smiling and humming, just look at you!" So I looked at her, smiled and quickly responded, "I'm back, I'm working, I'm talking to other adults, AND I still get to spend time with my girls!" Life is wonderful, and I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to do this.

There is one thing though, I can't seem to get the theme to

Welcome Back Kotter out of my head!?

And It Begins...

So LongRifle woke me up Tues. night calling out that her "teta fall down." Easy enough request I figured, I'll stumble out of bed, go in, pick it up, turn on their sleep CD and crawl back into bed, 2 minutes tops right?! WRONG!! I get there and notice through my still half closed eyes, she's got some funky white stuff coming out of her nose, so I move closer. Hmmmm, there's white stuff down her arm and a terrible smell emanating from her, dare I look in her bed? Yup, it's puke. Thank goodness she wasn't crying. I picked her up, headed to the bathroom to clean her up, change her shirt (how she managed to completely avoid the pj bottoms is beyond me. Then of course I had to change the bed. So I picked up her teta, gave it to her, set her on the rocking chair and she proceeded to watch me change her bed, she also carried on a conversation with me, none of which I remember right now. All in all it took about 20 minutes, not bad. I also noticed she was getting a bit warm, gave her some Motrin and put her back down. No problem, she was totally ready to get back to sleep.

She did however wake up yesterday morning with a fever of 102. Off and on she just kind of dragged about, not really wanting to eat much, but by the evening she was laughing and smiling and her temp was down to 99. I'm hoping it was just a 24 hour bug, but I figure now that I'm going back to work (and exposing myself to all those teenager germs) this will probably be happening a lot more often.

Funny thing to think about. When this stuff happened to me a year ago to either of the girls, it would send me into complete panic mode. What's wrong with my baby, oh no, let's call the doc, we've got to try and keep the other one healthy (yeah, right, who am I kidding?). Now it's SOP, she's got a fever, give her some meds, lots of fluids, let the other one drink out of her cup and get it over with as quickly as possible. I feel like an old pro! (Just don't ask me how I reacted when my 10 year old goddaughter had a raging headache. Mine I know what to do, OPK's not so much---LOL!!).

Pistol's Other Twin

It's true, Pistol and LongRifle are twins, there's no denying it, but she also has a personality twin, my sis, her Tia Na-Na. Have I mentioned that Pistol is the one that quite often makes me crazy? If I had any time for it, she's the one that would drive me to drink! She's super smart, witty, headstrong, assertive, wants everything her way, and to top it off, she's 2 going on 30---LOL!! Now, before I go any further I must add something, I LOVE and ADORE my sister, I enjoy hanging out with her, shopping with her is a blast! I miss her dearly and will often pick up the phone to talk to her, AND if she's in trouble my entire life pretty much stops until I figure out how I can help her. That being said, Tia Na-Na is pretty much an older version of Pistol (only now she's 30+ going on 16), if she weren't my sis AND my best friend (holder and confidant privy to all my secrets) and I didn't love her so much, to tell you the truth, she probably wouldn't be in my life---she's always made me nuts---LOL!! (I know you're reading this, laughing and nodding your head, you know it's all true)

Anyway, whenever we go visit or hang out with Tia Na-Na and TioMike (which we did this weekend) Pistol is attached to her at the hip. This time was no exception, and quite frankly, was probably a little worse. Any time we lost sight of Tia Na-Na, Pistol would howl, tears would drip down her beautiful face and she would scream, "Tia Na-Na, where's Tia Na-Na? I want Tia Na-Na!!", it was hilarious and at the same time a little scary. We went shopping at Tar*get and as soon as we put Pistol in the cart she looked over at my sis and said, "Tia Na-Na DRIVE!", that was the last I saw of my child for at least 45 minutes.

I'm glad they get along so well. Tia Na-Na even recognizes Pistol as her personality twin. I truly think she's even avoiding having kids of her own, lest one turn out like her. She says having her double visit is all good, but she's exhausted afterwards. She also adds something about having to be seriously medicated to have one 24/7 (thanks for the compliment!). Believe me when I tell you, it's nothing we've done to make their personalities that way, it's just genetics (if you don't believe me, just ask my mom). The way I see it, God gave me Pistol because I'd already had the practice, not to mention there's a reason for having personality traits like that, when you need it, it helps you to survive. From the time she was born, Pistol's headstrong, fighting, contrary personality shone through, and that's what helped keep her alive. By the way, I've already told Tia Na-Na, Pistol may be headed her way in the future. I've got to have a plan in place if I'm ever to survive those teenage years! LOL!!!

No More Fluff!

I changed the post time for today because I wanted to post at 8:08 am on the 8th day of the 8th month of the year 2008! LOL!! Yeah, I know, I'm weird like that.

My training was interesting today, I met the teacher whose room I'll be using at night, and even learned a little about myself today. Because I know things are going to be chaotic from the get-go, I need to establish a little bit of order in the things I know I will have to do. I offered to bring my label maker to label the file cabinets as much for my colleagues' sake as for my sanity. I'm making my own set of copies ahead of time, and thinking about what else I would need to be a little more organized as I'll be occupying her room and will have limited space available. I don't want to step on her feet, nor do I want to be frustrated from the get-go.

During our meeting (its a really small group, there are only 4 of us plus the training teacher) one of the other people asked a question regarding her specific job situation, she was getting very discouraged so I offered some advice. I guess maybe she didn't like what I suggested or she really wasn't listening (you know how sometimes you hear what someone says but you aren't really listening), but whatever it was, she had reached that point of frustration and she snapped at me. Now, I'm not a confrontational person, as a matter of fact I try to avoid it as much as possible, so I shut right down, and turned myself away from her. But I will tell you this, once bitten twice shy, that will be the last time I open my mouth to try to help her. I'm civilized, I'll be cordial and chat with her like normal people do, but as far as help her---no thanks (as Da'Gorgeouses would say). The other newbie kept asking why things were different from the regular school system, all the questions and explanations of why things should be aligned were time consuming and quite frankly pointless. I have found that returning to work after my 2 year break, with Da'Gorgeouses now in my life, my priorities are different. I don't have the time, nor the tolerance for other people's fluff. I'm there to do my job to the best of my ability, with whatever resources available to me. I'm there to get along with others. I play by the rules and don't have the luxury nor the time, nor the energy to ask or wonder why things are, for now, they just are, end of story (it's a far cry from how involved I was before Pistol and LongRifle came along).

So, another day of training down and another day that DrillSgt. had to be "Daddy Dearest". It lasted the entire 3 hours this time, so by the time I arrived at home he'd already fed them breakfast, given them a bath, dressed and combed their hair AND they were sitting down for lunch! Hooray!! He had a huge smile on his face when I walked in, I'd like to think it was because he was so relieved to see me, but more than likely it was because he was happy to have had everything under control by the time I arrived home. It's funny, but as I walk out the door whenever I'm going to leave them home with them, I'm always telling him, "you can give them this, or find clothes here, or do this with them...etc." He's a great dad, so I don't even know why I do that?! Besides, I think parenting twins alone is something you just have to get in there and do in order to make it fit your own style. He did tell me that he thought briefly about taking them somewhere alone, but didn't feel quite up to that challenge yet. He's the spontaneous one remember? I'm the one that has to have a little control and have some sort of plan beforehand. So I'm glad to see we're getting into the groove of things, it's only a tiny step forward but at least we're headed in the right direction.

We did have to head out of town to the dealership where we bought our vehicle. It seems that after only 20,000+ miles the paint is peeling off of the top of our SUV. (Good think DrillSgt. washes the car, I would've never noticed it)---LOL!! So they're going to fix it next week and it will only inconvenience us for 3 days (hopefully). The nice thing was that we were able to swing by DrillSgt's. hometown, have pizza @ PUB (LOVE that pizza!) and stop by their Farmer's Market. I have never seen such a tiny Farmer's Market EVER, I wish I'd taken my camera with me!! They literally had 2 small fruit & vegetable vendors, one nut vendor (no he wasn't nuts, he was selling almonds) and one cute homemade clothes/bows vendor----that's it?!! They did have a really great band playing music, there must have been more people playing instruments than there were vendors and customers on the street. Oh well, at least DrillSgt. can now say we attended a Farmer's Market in his local hometown. LOL!!